Male Bashing Collection 5

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which mistakenly wandered into a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet. Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Finally she heard a voice from far, far away: "Hello......... we're down here.........." in the pants.

Selfish Or Wise? A woman was confroted by a genius and asked to make three wishes but any wish made, her husband recieves double of what she gets. Her three wishes were: 1) I want to be the prettiest lady and she became the prettiest lady. 2) I want to be the richest woman. 3) I want to have a mild heart attack!

Men are like... ....Placemats They only show up when there's food on the table. .....Mascara They usually run at the first sign of emotion. ....Bike Helmets Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly ...Parking spots The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small. ...Copiers You need them for reproduction, but that's about it. .....Lava Lamps Fun to look at, but not all that bright. .....Bank accounts Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest ....high heels They are easy to walk on once you get the hang of it. .....Curling Irons They are always hot, and they are always in your hair. ....Mini skirts If you are not careful they'll creep up your legs. ...Bananas They older they get, the less firm they are. Men are like.....Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied, and can keep you up all night long. Men are like.....Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips. Men are like.....Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why. Men are like.....Coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere. Men are like.....Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it. Men are like.....Curling irons. They're always hot and in your hair. Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature. Men are like.....High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it. Men are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong. Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright. Men are like.....Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you. Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like.....Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up on you. Men are like.....Noodles. They're always in hot water, they lack taste and they need dough. Men are like.....Plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom. Men are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while. Men are like.....Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table. Men are like.....Used Cars. Both are easy-to-get, cheap and they prove to be unreliable. Men are like.....Weather. Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

"It's a guy thing." Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." "Can I help with dinner?" Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?" "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. "It would take too long to explain." Really means..."I have no idea how it works. "We're going to be late." Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac." "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "That's interesting, dear." Really means...."Are you still talking?" "It's a really good movie." Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women." "That's women's work." Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless." "You know how bad my memory is." "Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt." "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "...And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon." "I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall right into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." "What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me at?" "I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me." "You know I could never love anyone else." Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse." "You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving." "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again." "We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude."