Old Age Collection 1

An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband. The mother asks the daughter: "what are you doing naked?" The daughter responds:"This is the dress of love." When the mother returns home, She strips naked and waits for her husband. When her husband arrives, he asks her: "what are you doing naked, woman?" She responds: "This is the dress of love." And he said to her: "Well, go iron it."

A man went into a grocery store, got 3 cans of dog food, and walked up to the checkout counter. The cashier asks the man, "Sir, do you own a dog?" The man replies, "Yes I do." The cashier then asks, "Do you have the dog with you?" The man replies, "No, I left it at home." The cashier then says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this dog food unless I see your dog." A few days later the man walks into the same store, gets 3 cans of cat food, and walks up to the checkout counter. The same cashier asks, "Sir, do you own a cat?" The man replies, "Yes I do." The cashier then asks, "Do you have your cat with you?" And the man replies, "No, I left it at home." Then the cashier says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this cat food unless I see your cat." A few days later the man walks into the store, this time carrying a paper bag. He walks up to the same cashier, and asks him to put his hand into the bag. The cashier says, "It feels warm, soft, and gooey." The man then says, "Now, can I go back and get 3 rolls of toilet paper?"

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area." "Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital. "How are you grandpa? he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

You Called Me? A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Sir, did you call for me?" The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here, let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. The man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sat down he farted. Within a few minutes a huge, horrible, corpulent, hairy man lumbers out of the steam toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new here," says the hairy man, "it is a rule here that if you fart it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here is my membership card, you can have the key back, and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours, you haven't even had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day!"

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!" Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!" About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound.

A 65-year old mailman decided it was time to retire. When the small commmunity he worked for found out, they decided they should do something nice for him, since he'd served them for the past 45 years. So, the last day on the job, the mailman went up to the first house, and the homeowner welcomed him in. They gave him a pile of presents to thank him for all his hard work. At the next house they gave him a cheque for 100 dollars, and the 3rd house, a cheque for 200 dollars. At the fourth house, a blonde lady answered. She was wearing silk pajamas, and was motioning him to follow her upstairs. the mailman had the best sex of his entire life, and when they were done, he went downstairs. On the table was a huge breakfast, with waffles, eggs, pancakes, the whole deal, and a cup of coffee with a 5 dollar bill underneath. The mailman was curious, so he said to the lady, "I've had the best day of my entire life, everyone has been so nice to me, but I have to ask, what's the 5 dollar bill for?" The lady replied, "I asked my husband what we should do for you and he said 'fuck him, give him five bucks', but breakfast was my idea."