Old Age Collection 2

Defense Attorney: What is your age? Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you? Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you? Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Woman: Hell No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, just spread my old legs "Take me, young man, take me!" Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!

Some of your old favorites have re-released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience. Some examples: Herman's Hermits "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker" The Rolling Stones "You Can't Always Pee When You Want" Credence Clearwater Revival "Bad Prune Rising" Marvin Gaye "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts" The Who "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication" The Troggs "Bald Thing" Carly Simon "You're So Varicose Vein" The Bee Gees "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip" Roberta Flack "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face" Johnny Nash "I Can't See Clearly Now" The Temptations "Papa Got a Kidney Stone" ABBA "Denture Queen" Leo Sayer "You Make Me Feel Like Napping" Commodores "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom" Procol Harem "A Whiter Shade of Hair" The Beatles "I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"

The Golden Years I cannot see I cannot pee I cannot chew I cannot screw Oh My God What can I do My memory shrinks My hearing stinks No sense of smell I look like hell! My mood is bad - can you tell? My body's drooping Have trouble pooping The Golden Years has come at last The Golden Years can kiss my ass.

An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. Forlornly, she searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog. As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, "I'm lonely too, buy me and you won't be sorry." The old Lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car. Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, "Kiss me, you won't be sorry." So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog. Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into? The first motel she could find. (She's old, not dead!)

Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," is his reply. The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?" "Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?" "Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."

Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes." Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "How about Viagra?" Pharmacist: "Of course." Jacob: "Medicine for memory?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety." Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."

An sad, old man sitting was sitting on a park bench when along came a police officer. The officer asked the old man why he was so upset. The old man replied, "Every morning I wake up with a wonderful 20 year old blonde. She cooks great meals including sausage, and bacon and everything I love. Then we make passionate love in bed. Afterwards, she gives me a bath, with handdrawn hot water, cooks me lunch and followed by more passionate love. In the evening, we'll have top the day off with a fantastic diner and yet more wonderful love. The police officer gets a puzzled look on his face and asks, "Well, what seems to be the problem?" The old man replied with a sad look on his face, "I can't remember where I live!"

An elderly couple is lying in bed one morning having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me!" "Why not," he asks. She answers back, "Because I'm dead." The husband says to her, "What on earth are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another." The wife says, "Not so, I'm definitely dead." Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?" His wife answers, "I know I'm dead, because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.