Redneck Jokes Volume 2

When Cletus and Daisy got engaged, they decided that a traditional white limousine was far too boring for a true backcountry wedding. Cletus spent three weeks in his shed mounting four tractor tires onto a lifted 1978 pickup truck chassis, painting the monster vehicle hot pink with silver glitter flames. On the big day, Daisy stepped into the towering swamp buggy wearing her grandmother's lace gown and a pair of camouflage steel-toed boots. They roared down the muddy dirt road toward the chapel, sending mud splatters forty feet into the air while the wedding party cheered from the back of an open hay trailer.

Waylon had an old broken refrigerator sitting on his back porch for six months, and his wife kept insisting he take it to the county dump. Instead of hauling it away, Waylon drilled two holes in the side, ran a copper pipe to a small cast-iron stove underneath, and converted the appliance into a world-class meat smoking cabinet. Within three days, he was curing wild venison jerky and fresh river trout that tasted better than anything from a five-star steakhouse. His wife never mentioned the dump again, especially after he installed a brass bell on the front door to signal when the jerky was ready.

Determined to achieve the ultimate level of afternoon relaxation, Junior combined his two favorite pieces of furniture: a worn velvet floral couch and a heavy-duty nylon hammock. He ran thick steel cables through the rafters of his wraparound porch, secured them with heavy turnbuckles, and suspended the entire sofa three feet off the wooden floorboards. The result was a floating double-wide recliner that gentle breezes could swing back and forth for hours. Junior spent the entire summer testing his creation, claiming it was scientifically proven to improve nap quality by at least three hundred percent.

When an unexpected blizzard dumped six inches of powdery snow over the hollow, Clete realized he didn’t own a traditional sled for his grandkids. Spotting an obsolete eight-foot aluminum satellite dish lying behind the workshop, he unbolted the mounting bracket, wax-coated the bottom with old candle stubs, and added two rope handles. The kids piled onto the massive metal saucer and zipped down Miller’s Hill at breakneck speeds, flying past all the store-bought plastic sleds. By nightfall, half the parents in the county were knocking on Clete's door asking if he had any spare satellite dishes left in his yard.