Sci Fi & Geek Collection 5

1. Wanted cool voice like James Earl Jones' 2. Owed money to Jabba the Hutt, could refinance debt through the Empire 3. Wanted to use the Force to prop up Chrysler stock 4. Charmed by Emporer Palpatine's seductive after-shave 5. Misunderstood name, thought the "Dirk Side" was fan club for pretty-boy actor Dirk Benedict 6. Kicked in head by bantha 7. To impress the babes 8. To escape cruel taunting over dorky name 9. Sick and tired of mentor Obi-Wan Kenobi reciting lines from "Bridge over the River Kwai" 10. Generous Dark Lords of the Sith pension plan

10) Making prank "heavy breathing" phone calls 9) Sneaking up behind Star Destroyer crew members, covering their eyes, and demanding "Guess who?" 8) Practicing throwing Palpatine doll down pits 7) Genealogy 6) Using the force to learn to juggle 5) Mortal Kombat 5436 4) Using mind-reading ability to win at Battleship 3) Late nights with a pain droid 2) Sending anonymous love-notes to Mon Mothma 1) Checking Imperial Deli to see if they've named a sandwich after him yet

1. It has a central exhaust port just below the main port. 2. It is not a fully armed and operational battle station. 3. It won't go into hyperspace unless you yell, 'Engage!' 4. It has the ability to destroy a planet, but it is still insignificant next to the power of the force. 5. It was designed by NASA. 6. Every corridor leads to a large, bottomless pit. 7. The Jawas sold it to you at a loss. 8. The 'Intel Inside' sticker is starting to peel off. 9. It has NCC-1701 painted on it. 10. One word: Outgassing!

Top Ten Reasons Han Won't Let Chewie Take The Falcon For A Spin 1. Chewie insists on putting 'Don't Like My Driving? Call 1-800-EAT-FODDER' on the back of the Falcon. 2. Han stopped letting Chewie take the controls after nasty encounter with bounty hunter at Ord Mantel when Chewie flipped him the bird. 3. Friends don't let friends fly when they're in heat. 4. Chewie always puts the deep-space communications bandwidth on KWOOKIE: less talk, more rock. 5. Chewie's already punctured the airbags with those damned claws of his. 6. When Chewie tells Han to 'punch it' in wookie, it loses some effect and doesn't sound as cool when spoken in English. 7. Chewie constantly forgets to flush, and the stench has started to erode the circuits in the holo-chess game. 8. Chewie always wants to go to Mos Eisley to pick up some digitless babes with horns. 9. Chewie insists Han to sing the low parts in showtunes when they go on long voyages together. 10. He's always wanting to drag with Imperial Star Destroyers.

1. "Aw, look captain! A cute furry animal!" 2. "I am fluent in over six mil..." 3. "No, sorry. You JUST missed the last Kenner figure." 4. "You seen that Vader guy's liver spots? Eeew!" 5. To Lando: "Hiya master!" 6. "There's a nice, big open cave in that asteroid right over there..." 7. "Emperor my butt!" 8. "Boba Fett? What a wuss!" 9. "Sorry, Kabe. All out of Juri Juice." 10. "Look mommy! Another moon just appeared out of nowhere! only isnt it kinda small?" 11. "Whip, stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, stir!" (Holiday special joke) 12. "Hey look! A vornskr! Here kitty, kitty, kitty!" 13. "Here's a good idea! Let's come into the Hoth system real close!" 14. "TIE Advanced? Never heard of it, but I'm sure I take it in my Y-Wing." 15. ::In front of Qwi Xux::: "Bawk! Bawk, bawk, bawk!" while flapping arms 16. "Don't worry, this blaster has PLENTY of power left!" 17. "Finally! I've always wanted my own X-TIE!" 18. "Wuher! Check out this new droid I got!" 19. "Look at that ceeeeute little thing! What's his name again? Rukh?" 20. "And now back to the Star Wars Holiday Special!"

What expect you from someone 900 years old? English perfect??? Size matters not...hey, what are you laughing at? Lift THAT ship?! You must be out of your mind I cannot teach him. IQ of 30 has he. Hangs upside down in ice caves. Duct Tape...the Force it is like. Both a light side and a dark side it has. Binds the universe together it does! Remember all that stuff Obi-Wan taught you? Forget it. Yeah, well oneness with the universe doesn't put food on the plate, junior. No...there is another. Let's hope as stupid, she is not. Never underestimate the powers of the dark side. Or is that Regis Philbin? I cannot teach him. Land an X-wing, he cannot even. Never underestimate the power of the dark side... or duct tape. Yeah yeah. Force this! Anger, fear, merchandising...the Dark Side are they! I didn't want this job! I wanted Marlon Brando's role in 'Apocalypse Now!' No Force? Take this, impudent nonbeliever! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! So how did you like the funhouse in the cave, Luke? Quite frankly, Mr. Skywalker, if Obi-Wan wasn't dead, I'd have him expelled. Oh, yes, well if you're going could you take this robe to the cleaners for me? I've been wearing it for over 800 years on this stinkhole and it doesn't... Oh, judge me on my smell, will you? Well it may be spooky, but it saves cost on burial plots and it beats cremation. Luke, don't ask what the Force can do for you.. But what you can do for the Force.

If this is a consular ship, could you please tell the ambassador to come out of hiding so we could discuss this like civilized beings? Has anyone seen my inhaler? Impressive...most impressive. Can you do that again? You should not have come back. But, since you're here, let's shake hands and call it even. But I was going into Toshi station to pick up some power converters! Man, this armor chafes. Luke, do you ever get that not-so fresh feeling? Wow! Neat! What does that button do? I'm hungry. Let's get a taco. Oh man! I just shot Cpt. Needa in the face! Needa's dead, baby. Needa's dead. Here's looking at you, kid. Are you the keymaster? Well, excuuuuuuuuuse me!