Quantum Physics Jokes

A theoretical physicist, a quantum researcher, and Schrödinger drive down a scenic highway when a state trooper pulls them over for a routine traffic stop. The trooper walks up to the window, shines his flashlight in the backseat, and asks Schrödinger, 'Excuse me, sir, did you know you have a trunk back there, and do you know what's inside it?' Schrödinger shrugs and says, 'Of course, it's my experiment.' The trooper opens the trunk, gasps, and says, 'Hey, did you know there's a dead cat in here?' Schrödinger throws his hands up in absolute frustration and yells, 'Well, I do NOW! Thanks a lot for collapsing the wave function!'

Werner Heisenberg is speeding down the Autobahn in his sports car, feeling confident about quantum mechanics. Suddenly, a police officer pulls him over, walks up to the driver's side window, and sternly asks, 'Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?' Heisenberg smiles calmly and replies, 'No, officer, I don't have the faintest idea, but I know EXACTLY where I am right now!' The officer, confused and slightly annoyed, says, 'You were doing 95 miles per hour in a 55 zone!' Heisenberg throws his hands up in despair and screams, 'Great, just great! Now I'm completely lost!'

A quantum electron, a proton, and a neutron walk into a local neighborhood pub after a long day in the particle accelerator. The electron approaches the bartender and orders a top-shelf whiskey. The bartender pours the drink, hands it over, and says, 'That'll be ten dollars.' The electron pays, drinks, and leaves. Next, the proton orders a craft beer, pays his ten dollars, and sits at a booth. Finally, the neutron walks up to the counter and orders a glass of red wine. The bartender serves him, and the neutron asks, 'How much do I owe you for the wine?' The bartender smiles, shakes his head, and replies, 'For you, sir? No charge!'

An infinite number of quantum physicists walk into a bar to celebrate a breakthrough in string theory. The first physicist orders a full pint of beer. The second physicist orders half a pint of beer. The third physicist orders a quarter of a pint of beer. The fourth physicist orders an eighth of a pint. Before the fifth physicist can open his mouth, the bartender rolls his eyes, reaches under the counter, pulls out two full pitchers of beer, sets them down on the counter, and says, 'You guys seriously need to learn your limits.'