The Clintons Collection 1

Hillary was finishing up a day as Senator for New York when the Devil suddenly appeared in her office and made her an offer... "I am here to offer you a deal," the Devil said. "I will give you unlimited wealth, even more power, and a media that will pander to your every whim. In return, all I ask for is your soul, the souls of every member of your family, and the souls of all your constituents." Hillary pondered for a moment and then asked, "Unlimited wealth and power?" "Absolutely unlimited," the Devil asserted. "A pandering media?" she asked. "They'll fall over themselves to support you, no matter what you say or do," the Devil assured. "And you want my soul, my family's souls, and the souls of my constituents?" she asked. "Yes. All of them," the Devil answered. Hillary was deep in thought for a moment, then finally spoke: "So...what's the catch?"

Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde woman and an enormously large woman with an unfriendly scowl are in a train car. The train passes through a tunnel, and in the darkness the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. As the train pulls out of the tunnel, the daylight reveals a big red slap mark on Clinton's cheek. The blonde thinks: "That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who must have slapped his face" The fat lady thinks: "That dirty old Bill Clinton touched the blonde and she smacked him." Bill Clinton thinks: "George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me." George Bush thinks: "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again."

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is. "Kenneth." "And what is your question, Kenneth?" "I have three questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And, Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?" Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?" A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is. "Larry." "And what is your question, Larry?" "I have five questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And, Fifth - what happened to Kenneth?

One day in the future, Bill Clinton has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves." Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Bill said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." So the devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Bill. The devil opened a third door. In it, Clinton saw Jesse Jackson lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Clinton took this in in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"

This is from a contest on Long Island. The requirements were to use the words "Lewinsky" and "Kaczynski" in a limerick. Here are the 3 winners: Entry #1: There once was a gal named Lewinsky Who played on a flute like Stravinsky 'Twas "Hail to the Chief" On this flute made of beef That stole the front page from Kaczynski. Entry #2: Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski, Since you look such a mess, Use the hem of your dress And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky. Entry #3: Lewinsky and Clinton have shown What Kaczynski must surely have known: That an intern is better Than a bomb in a letter Given the choice of how to be blown.

Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope...Due to inflation, constant downswing, low wages in third world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...What'll it be?" Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want to be remembered for bringing peace to the Middle East, instead of that other stuff with Monica, and Jennifer, and the rest of those women. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other." The Genie looked at the map of the Middle East and exclaimed, "Jeez, Fella! These people have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. Make another wish." Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really don't like my wife. Even though she got elected, they call her a carpetbagger. They think she's mean, ugly, and pushes me around. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. That's what I want." The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Lemme see that map again."