The Clintons Collection 5

Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean." Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?" "No," says Monica. "Mustard."

Monica went up to the pharmacist and stated, "I need to buy condoms." The pharmacist looked up and asked, "Shall I put it on your bill?" "No, thanks," Monica responded. "I prefer to put them on him myself."

Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Go" written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff`s HQ, and yells "Somebody wrote a threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-bitch had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!" The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers "Well dammit, don`t just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!" The entire staff immediately jumps up and races for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?" Clinton says "Oh hell, give me the bad news first." The officer says "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore`s urine." Clinton says "Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own Vice President! Damn....Well, what`s the really bad news?" The officer replies "Well sir, it`s Hillary`s handwriting."

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED? "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me awife." (Tom, 5) WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 9) WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to havevideos of the wedding." (Jim, 10) CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE: "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deoderantare so popular." (Jan, 9) ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE: "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9) "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7) ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE: "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8) "It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7) "Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9) CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS: "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8) CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE: "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6) "Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8) "I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10) THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER: "One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8) SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU: "Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9) "One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me." (Bart, 9) WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU" "The person is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (michelle,9) HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE: "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7) "Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Randy,8)

A GROUP of doctors were at a convention in Switzerland. The topic of discussion was the new medical technology FROM their countries. 'In my country," a German doctor said, "medicine is so advanced, we can perform heart surgery on a person on Monday, and have him back to work in 2 weeks." "That's nothing," a Japanese doctor said. "We can perform an appendectomy on a person on Tuesday, and have him back in work by Saturday." "That's nothing!" said an American doctor. "We can take an asshole FROM Arkansas, put him in the White House and half the country is out of work the next day!"

An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble. When you rearrange the letters: Dormitory .................................. Dirty Room Evangelist................................. Evil's Agent Desperation.............................. A Rope Ends It The Morse Code..................... Here Come Dots Slot Machines......................... Cash Lost in 'em Animosity................................ Is No Amity Mother-in-law..........................Woman Hitler Snooze Alarms........................ Alas! No More Z's Alec Guinness......................... Genuine Class Semolina................................... Is No Meal The Public Art Galleries......... Large Picture Halls, I Bet A Decimal Point...................... I'm a Dot in Place The Earthquakes.................... That Queer Shake Eleven plus two..................... Twelve plus one Contradiction......................... Accord not in it PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA......................... TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS