The 10 Most Important People in a Woman's Life
1. The doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes"
2. The dentist because he says, "Open Wide"
3. The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"
4. The milkman because he says, "Do you want it in the front or in back?"
5. The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it!"
6. The banker because he says,"If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest"
7. The police officer because he says, "Spread 'em"
8. The mailman because he always delivers his package.
9. The pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
10. The hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.
Why Star Wars Characters Would
Why Star Wars Characters Would Kick Butt In The Star Trek Universe
10) In the Star Wars universe, weapons rarely, if ever, are set on "stun."
9) The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of twenty just to go into warp. The Millenium Falcon does the same thing with just R2-D2 and a Wookie.
8) After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable. After enduring Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.
7) One word: lightsabers.
6) Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
5) The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.
4) Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.
3) Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
2) The Federation would have to interrupt whatever it's doing just to attempt to liberate any ship named Slave I.
1) Picard pilots Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse power. Han Solo floors it.
The Top Ten Signs That You're Being Stalked By A Leprechaun
Generic-looking green van parked across the street with Notre Dame bumper sticker.
Every time you turn around the pitter-pattering stops and that green fire hydrant seems to have gotten a little closer.
Green lipstick marks on the butt of your Dockers.
You're being followed by a large woman with a sultry voice and a dying career. (Oops! That's a sign you're being stalked by Chaka Khan.)
You don't recall owning an anatomically correct lawn gnome.
Card delivered with the bouquet of 4-leaf clovers reads, "I bet you're magically delicious!"
When you come home from work, the potatoes are missing from the cupboard and your parrot is singing "Danny Boy."
Prank caller has a really corny Irish accent, and Richard Gere has an airtight alibi.
Those tiny green hairs on your toilet seat.
Sultry voice from shower soap dish asks, "Is that your shillelagh, or are you just happy to see me?"
Pink hearts, yellow moons, blue diamonds scratched on your car at knee-level, and Ross Perot is nowhere to be found.
Them little green pellets in the litter box ain't M&M's, Chester.
Every day this week you've noticed the same buckle shoes dangling just above the floor in the stall next to you.
Top Ten Things Samuel L
Top Ten Things Samuel L. Jackson Should Have Said in the Star Wars Prequel
Note: In case you didn't know, Samuel L. Jackson was in the first prequel as "Jedi Master Mace Windu"
10. You don't need to see my goddamn identification, 'cause these ain't the motherfuckin' droids you're looking for.
9. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause I'd never touch the filthy motherfucker.
8. This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every motherfuckin' stormtrooper in the room ... accept no substitutes.
7. If Obi-Wan ain't home then I don't know what the fuck we're gonna do. I ain't got no other connections on Tatooine.
6. Feel the Force, Motherfucker.
5. 'What' ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on 'What'?
4. You sendin' the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say!
3. Yeah, Chewie's got a hair problem. What the brother gonna do? He's a Wookie.
2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch? Then why are you tryin' to fuck him like one?
1. Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, 'Bad Ass Mother Fucker.'
Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-Or-Treating Is Better Than Sex
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less guilt the morning after.
1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
Top Ten Signs Your Spouse May Be Having An On-Line Affair
10. Lately she sits at the computer naked.
9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette.
8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.
7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.
6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand.
5. She makes sarcastic remarks about your "software".
4. Lipstick on the mouse.
3. During sex, she screams "A colon backslash enter insert!"
2. The fax file is filled with pictures of someone's butt.
1. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear.
10 Things To Say When Called To The Office
1. "I'm gonna kill her"
2. "Shit, They found the body"
3. "Where's my lawyer?"
4. "He's still alive?"
5. "They've got nothing on me"
6. "I thought I got rid of the evidence"
7. "I told him to hide the body in the boiler, not the shed"
8. "Fuck"
9. "I didn't do it"
10. "Can they convict me on heresay?"