Top Ten Lists Collection 4

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen. 2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete. 3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it. 4. When the going gets tough, upgrade. 5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction. 6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural. 7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up. 8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer. 9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly. 10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

10) You can't use 5-1/4" floppy disks. 9) You can't go shopping with your friends for a Sound Blaster board because Macs don't need one. 8) Your 200 MHz 604e Mac does integer calculation equivalent to a 362 MHz Pentium Pro, but you can only brag about 200 MHz. 7) Networking a Mac is not an impressive feat. 6) Macs don't come in black, and we all know black cabinets make computers faster and louder. 5) You have to add a system extension to make Mac menus stay down like Windows. We like pokey menus because it's too hard to hold that heavy mouse button down while we read. 4) And the Mac mouse is too slow. We want our cursor to fly wildly off the screen when we twitch our wrist because hyper cursors make our PCs look faster. 3) You just plug Macs in and they work. Where's the challenge in that? 2) When you add stuff, you just plug them in and they work, too. Again, no challenge. 1) Your clients and teachers know about Numbers 2 and 3, so they expect Mac users to deliver results, not excuses!

1. The company CEO has moved from the corner office to the ledge outside the corner office. 2. The manager informs you that the drinks in the company fridge haven't been free and hands you a $4,800 Snapple bill. 3. The company president asks if anyone has a problem giving out a little astrological advice over the phone while they work. 4. The head of R&D is spending more and more time in the park across street with a metal detector he refers to as his "search engine." 5. There's now 10-year-old Indonesian boys on either side of you assembling Nike running shoes. 6. Management is now using copies of the company prospectus exclusively for rolling papers. 7. Next time you see the company's founder, he is wearing a paper hat and telling you which one is the Diet Coke. 8. The human resources manager informs you that (though it wasn't spelled out in black and white) giving conventioneers body massages was indeed implied in your job description, and that it could also involve a little "converging," if you know what he means. 9. You arrive at work to find that all the computers have been replaced with Etch-a-Sketches. 10. Your boss concedes that he might be out of his teens before he's able to retire.

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 9. A better model is always just around the corner. 8. They look nice and shiny, until you bring them home. 7. It is always necessary to have a backup. 6. They'll do whatever you say, if you push the right buttons. 5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play. 4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 3. The lights are on but nobody's home. 2. Big power surges knock them out for the night. 1. Size does matter.

10. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house --only computers with laser printers. 9. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon. 8. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires. 7. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card. 6. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number. 5. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading JohnGrisham novels. 4. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind. 3. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write is letterhead. 2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz. 1. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

10. He saved Luke's life about a bizillion times 9. He's cool 8. He helped destroy 3, count em', 3 Death Stars (Read the books!) 7. He eats TIE fighters for breakfast 6. He's cool 5. He has that stylish orange flight jump suit 4. "Look at the size of that thing!" 3. He's cool 2. He can topple an AT-AT in his sleep 1. Yes you guessed it, HE'S COOL!

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000. 9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running. 8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex. 7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down. 6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work. 5. Mumbled, "Oh, uh-pleeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net" 4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments. 3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons 2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President." 1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk.