Work Collection 3

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES FROM: EMPLOYEE RELATIONS DEPARTMENT SUBJECT: RESTROOM TRIP POLICY (RTP) An internal audit of employee restroom time (ERT) has found that this company significantly exceeds the national ERT standard recommended by the President's Commission on Productivity and Waste. At the same time, some employees complained about being unfairly singled out for ERT monitoring. Technical Division (TD) has developed an accounting and control system that will solve both problems. Effective 1 April 1987, a Restroom Trip Policy (RTP) is established. A Restroom Trip Bank (RTB) will be created for each employee. On the first day of each month employees will receive a Restroom Trip Credit (RTC) of 40. The previous policy of unlimited trips is abolished. Restroom access will be controlled by a computer-linked voice-print recognition system. Within the next two weeks, each employee must provide two voice prints (one normal, one under stress) to Personnel. To facilitate familiarity with the system, voice-print recognition stations will be operational but not restrictive during the month of April. Should an employee's RTB balance reach zero, restroom doors will not unlock for his/her voice until the first working day of the following month. Restroom stalls have been equipped with timed tissue-roll retraction and automatic flushing and door-opening capability. To help employees maximize their time, a simulated voice will announce elapsed ERT up to 3 minutes. A 30-second warning buzzer will then sound. At the end of the 30 seconds the roll of tissue will retract, the toilet will flush and the stall door will open. Employees may choose whether they wish to hear a male or a female "voice". A bilingual capability is being developed, but is not yet on-line. To prevent unauthorized access (e.g., sneaking in behind someone with an RTB surplus, or use of a tape-recorded voice), video cameras in the corridor will record those seeking access to the restroom. However, consistent with the company's policy of respecting the privacy of its employees, cameras will not be operative within the restroom itself. An additional advantage of the system is its capability for automatic urine analysis (AUA). This permits drug-testing without the demeaning presence of an observer and without risk of human error in switching samples. The restrooms and associated plumbing are the property of the company. Legal Services has advised that there are no privacy rights over voluntarily discarded garbage and other like materials. In keeping with our concern for employee privacy, participation in AUA is strictly voluntary. But employees who choose to participate will be eligible for attractive prizes in recognition of their support for the company's policy of a drug-free workplace. Management recognizes that from time to time employees may have a legitimate need to use the restroom. But employees must also recognize that their jobs depend on this company's staying competitive in a global economy. These conflicting interests should be weighed, but certainly not balanced. The company remains strongly committed to finding technical solutions to management problems. We continue to believe that machines are fairer and more reliable than managers. We also believe that our trusted employees will do the right thing when given no other choice.

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit! Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any asshole will do.

How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace 1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. 2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender. 3) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha." 4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." 5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this. 6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge. 7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way. 8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document. 9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that. 10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement. 11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing. 12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN." 13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers. 14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunch room. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that." 15) Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.