Work Collection 5

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation. (1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig." (2) "His men would follow him anywhere...but only out of morbid curiosity." (3) "I would not allow this employee to breed." (4) "This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'." (5) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." (6) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet." (7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." (8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." (9) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." (10) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." (11) "This employee should go far...and the sooner he starts, the better." (12) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together." (13) "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus." (14) "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless." (15) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier." (16) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime." (17) "He's been working with glue too much." (18) "He would argue with a signpost." (19) "He has a knack for making strangers immediately." (20) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room." (21) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell." (22) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored...he's the other one." (23) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on." (24) "A prime candidate for natural deselection." (25) "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it." (26) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming." (27) "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it." (28) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week." (29) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change." (30) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans." (31) "It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg." (32) "One neuron short of a synapse." (33) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled." (34) "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes." (35) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

17. There is no "I" in "teamwork." But there is in "management kiss-up." 16. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday. 15. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. 14. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security. 13. If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition. 12. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings--they did it by killing all those who oppose them. 11. We put the "k" in "kwality." 10. 2 days without a human rights violation. 9. Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?" 8. We build great products when we feel like it and don't have any reason to call in sick. 7. If at first you don't succeed, try management. 6. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself. 5. The beatings will continue until morale improves. 4. Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free. 3. If at first you don't succeed, delegate it. 2. Plagiarism saves time. 1. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks. I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do. I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office. I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies. MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had. I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes. I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED: I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room. I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly. I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers. I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better. I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer. MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You're probably looking for someone more experienced. I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot. I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk. I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there. I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I'm a college drop-out. I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: I've been accused of sexual harassment. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don't throw me away! I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

Teacher Jokes 1

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste." After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."

The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word "penis" chalked in small letters on the board. She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn't say anything, but rubbed it out and went on with the class. But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again - "penis", this time written slightly larger. So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson. Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word "penis" again. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson. Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis getting bigger. Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: "See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

The psychology teacher had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the students. Speaking specifically about manic depression, the teacher asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?" After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

Physics Teacher: "Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn't that wonderful?" Student: "Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn't have discovered anything."

Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph? Joseph: Because of a sign down the road. Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late? Joseph: The sign said, "SCHOOL AHEAD. GO SLOW!"