Sci Fi & Geek Collection 7

10. Stormtroopers are the Empire's first line of defense. 9. All ships and installations are built around a "main reactor." 8. Exhaust ports are big enough for proton torpedoes and always lead to the "main reactor". 7. TIE Fighters have no shields. 6. The Emperor's best troops were defeated by rock and stick wielding teddy bears. 5. Officers over the rank of Lieutenant have a life expectancy of two weeks. 4. Everything proceeds as the Emperor has foreseen. 3. Stormtroopers are picked for their intelligence and common sense. 2. The Emperor allows the alliance to know the location of the shield generator. 1. Bounty Hunters, We don't need their scum!

Titanic's big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive. Star Wars has WAY cooler action figure potential. Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water. Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedimaterial; Rose is just marriage bait. Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage. When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge can't say "Look at the size of that thing!" and really mean it. It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun. Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyedamphibians to Admiral. Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship. We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people and blows up planets for fun. Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing? Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hutt. Two words: John Williams. There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars. Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "kings of the world"? If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key. "I'd rather be his whore than your wife" just doesn't have the same sting as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie." Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes. We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could've anticipated "Luke... I am your father"? Han Solo would've missed the dang iceberg!

Signs You've Been Waiting in Line Too Long for "Star Wars" Tickets That chick dressed as Princess Leia in front of you now qualifies as your "longest relationship with a woman." Can't resist to urge to "unsheathe your lightsaber," if you know what I mean. Bossman Vader told you to take your Jedi powers to the planet of unemployment. We're bombing who? What the hell is a Kosovo? A fellow fan compliments you on your Chewbacca costume, but you aren't wearing one. When a reporter asks you why you're obsessing about a movie when there's a war in Europe, you express full confidence in President Reagan's ability to handle the to situation. Your Boba Fett lunchbox is worth $.45 more than it was when you got to the theater. The guy next to you is in line for "Episode II." Obi-Wan's ghost shows up to spritz you with Lysol. The dude in the Wookie suit is starting to look pretty good to you. Even your most loyal supporters are starting to question your order to "Just keep bombing Serbia until I get back."

12. "Hey, Beautiful. What's a nice girl like you doing waiting in line without bathing for 10 days?" 11. "Your place or my Mom's?" 10 "I... uh... ummm... I... uh... (slaps own forehead) Stupid! STOO-pid!" 9. "You're even prettier than my fantasy girlfriend." 8. "I may look like an Ewok, but I'm all Wookie where it counts, baby." 7. "Date, or date not -- there is no 'let's just friends be'." 6. "If you only knew the power of the Dork Side." 5. "How's about a long time of Joe, in a bedroom not far away?" 4. "Nice buns, Princess! On your head, that is." 3. "Honey, you've been looking for love in Alderaan places!" 2. "If I said you had a mint first-edition, still-in-box action figure, would you hold it against me?" 1. "I'm gonna be an evil warlord when I grow up. Want a Milk Dud?"

The Top 14 Things Bill Clinton Would Say if He Were in "Star Wars" 14. "Well, it depends on your definition of 'father', Luke." 13. "Who knew the Jedi Mind Trick could work on 250 million people all at once?" 12. "I *absolutely* support the use of droids in the military... Okay, now I don't." 11. "Oh-h-h, you're looking for a little *WOOKIE*... Well, that's different." 10. "Luke, I am your father. Obi-Wan, I'm your father, too. And that Queen chick? I'm her daddy for sure. And Leia's. And Lando's, Boba Fett's, Jabba the Hutt's, Chewie's..." 9. "Wretched hive of scum and villainy? Woo-hoo, count me in!" 8. "I think the American people would like a little more bass in my theme music." 7. "Dispose of that troublesome young Jedi, Vince Skyfoster -- and make it look like a suicide." 6. "I did not have sexual relations with that wookie, Ms. Chewinsky." 5. "It's a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away -- and I'm still a lyin' weasel." 4. "Cholesterol does not concern me, Admiral. I want that Big Mac -- not excuses." 3. "Sorry about that lightsaber, Sugar. Just consider it laser dental work." 2. "These are not the droids you're looking for, Ma'am. Say, it's getting hot in here -- you might want to take off your top." 1. "She's my sister?!? Well, back on my home planet of Arkansas, that ain't an obstacle!"

The Top 14 Signs You're Not Watching the Real "Phantom Menace" 14. As if the girl-girl porno action weren't tacky enough, you can actually see the strings holding up the planets. 13. Somehow, R2-D2 manages to give Darth Maul the finger. 12. Right when Obi-Wan is about to whip out his "lightsaber," the screen goes blank and you have to put in another 50 cents. 11. Queen Amidala looks suspiciously like one of the Olsen twins. 10. As Leia Orgasma takes off her clothes, you realize you've stumbled into "The Phantom Moan-fest." 9. The "lightsaber duel" consists of nothing but two guys with Nerf baseball bats making lightsaber noises with their mouths. 8. None of the previews mentioned the evil Darth Diggler or queen Ches-Ti Ho. 7. The scene of the young Anakin Skywalker straddling his Pod Racer -- arms outstretched -- shouting, "I'm Lord of the Universe!" is just a tad derivative. 6. "Help me, Monica... You're my only hope!" 5. Leslie Neilsen as "Dark Mall"?! I don't friggin' think so! 4. Yoda looks awfully pale, and he keeps saying "Taco Bell, yo quiero." 3. "Starring Jerry Mathers as The Menace," just doesn't sound right. 2. Anakin Skywalker is played by a small black child whose only line is "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?" 1. You're having trouble reading the subtitled translations for Obi "Juan" Kenobi.